Top 10 Ways My Cat is an Asshole

Before I start this post, first let me say, I like cats … at least in the abstract.

They’re cute, they don’t lick you all the time with their stupid germs like certain canines (and don’t even send me a letter about dogs or cats having clean tongues — they lick their butts, how clean can they be?), and they’re good companions who don’t (usually) demand much care or attention.

When it comes to pets, cats are probably the least needy pets to have.

But they can also be assholes. Big time assholes, like my cat, Charlie.

Here’s a list of assholish things that Charlie does.

1) He is always underfoot. Wherever I go, Charlie is waiting, right there, to rush right out in front of me. I used to think it was cool, like he’s waiting to join me on some adventure “Hey, let’s go, Daddy!”

Yes, I assume he thinks of me as his daddy.

But he doesn’t run in front of me, he runs right in my path!

When I step out of office, he springs forth, right under my feet, nearly tripping me.

When I come home holding 12 bags of groceries, there he is again, right under my feet, forcing me to pivot lest I step on him and squish him.

WHAT THE HELL?

I’m not sure if he’s suicidal or trying to kill me. Either way, he’s an asshole.

2) He poops a lot.  I’m not sure what the deal is, but this cat manages to poop way more than he seems to eat.

catfoodversuspoop

I wouldn’t mind so much if I wasn’t ALWAYS the one who had to clean it.

You see, when my wife got pregnant with our son, she informed me that she couldn’t clean the litter box because of germs in the cat’s poop which could kill the unborn baby.

Okay, fine.

But that was seven years ago, and I’m still cleaning it!

I guess you can never take enough precautions.

3) He tends to wait until we’re eating to poop. And to make matters worse, after EACH AND EVERY POOP, he runs around the house at a million miles an hour like he’s in some kind of race or just drank 15 Red Bulls.

What the hell is up with that?!

Does pooping feel THAT GOOD that he has to run laps?

4) He likes to wake people up. Sometimes in the middle of the night, he’ll just walk around the house meowing or knocking shit over, just to wake people up. This is especially annoying when he does it near my son’s room. Thankfully, he doesn’t do this a lot. Probably because he knows I’ll put him in the garage at night if he continued.

5) He gets hair E V E R Y W H E R E! Even though he’s a shorthaired cat, he somehow manages to shed some 20 cubic tons of orange hair on the couch every week.

Even though he’s not supposed to BE ON THE FUCKING COUCH!! 

ASSHOLE
ASSHOLE

6) He always sleeps on the couch! This bastard always climbs onto the couch. You push him off, he jumps right back up until he wears you down.

We even took to putting sheets over the couch, just to keep him from getting hair (or sometimes puking up hairballs) on the couch.

And you know what this asshole does?

He goes UNDER THE SHEETS!

What an asshole!

7) He likes to vomit strategically. Charlie seems so concerned that some predator is going to steal his food that when you put food into his bowl, he chows it ALL DOWN and winds up puking like some kind of super model.

And while we have a huge expanse of the kitchen and laundry room with vinyl flooring, where do you think he pukes?

If you guessed carpet, you win!

And you get bonus points if you guessed on the carpet in high traffic areas like right in front of doorways!

And he doesn’t just puke once!

Oh no, Charlie likes to puke, walk, puke again, then walk some more, then puke again, leaving 10 little piles all over the house (only on the carpeted area, of course).

And God forbid there’s a shoe or something important on the floor (which happens a lot when you have a 6-year old). Charlie will puke near or on said item of importance.

Asshole.

8) He’s a creeper. Seriously, the cat will just plop down on a spot directly opposite you and just STARE AT YOU. For hours.

9) Poopy Paws. Now, this isn’t just something which applies to MY CAT, but to all cats in general.

After I had a child, a child who crawled on the floor and liked to put stuff in his mouth, I suddenly realized a VERY OBVIOUS FACT. Cats have poopy paws (my wife’s term, not mine).

Which means that because he does his business in a litter box, where he STANDS on the very place he is doing said business, it means that his paws are LOADED with fecal and urine particles!

And given that he walks all over EVERY FUCKING INCH of our house, and hops on the couch, he is tracking feces and cat urine EVERYWHERE!

I imagine that if you brought a black light to our house, it would light up like a Christmas tree.

Bed with poopy paws

I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty disgusting.

Obviously, he can’t do much about that, and that’s our thing to deal with, not his. We can’t expect him to suddenly stop going to the bathroom, though we have politely asked.

What amazes me is how many people I know, people I am friends with!, allow their cats to jump up on their kitchen counters, sit in their bathroom sinks, and sleep in their beds.

DISGUSTING!

10) He likes to eat weird things … and then puke them up. Charlie CANNOT resist the lure of strings, lace, and those plastic garbage bag ties.

And then he gnaws on them like he’s flossing his teeth or something.

If left alone long enough with the item, he will keep on chewing it until he’s eaten it, and then puked it out in little piles all over the house!

My son used to bring home helium balloons from parties and leave them tied to a toy or something, so it wouldn’t float away. He’d leave the room, come back, and then his balloon would be floating, with bits of string all over the floor and the cat walking away smiling like the asshole he is.

If you think that’s bad, Charlie’s got nothing on our prior cat, Sweetie (who passed last year). She managed to sneak into our bedroom (cats are NEVER allowed in the bedrooms), and into our closet, and managed to eat my wife’s wedding veil!

TALK ABOUT ASSHOLES!

Despite all this, I do like him.

He does cute tricks (stands and walks for treats), and he gives a mean massage. He’ll jump on your back and knead your back and shoulders.

You just have to make sure to shower after the poopy paws massage.

So, there you have it, the Top 10 Ways My Cat is an Asshole.

Leave a comment below and share your own asshole pet stories!

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