Before I start this post, first let me say, I like cats … at least in the abstract.

They’re cute, they don’t lick you all the time with their stupid germs like certain canines (and don’t even send me a letter about dogs or cats having clean tongues — they lick their butts, how clean can they be?), and they’re good companions who don’t (usually) demand much care or attention.

When it comes to pets, cats are probably the least needy pets to have.

But they can also be assholes. Big time assholes, like my cat, Charlie.

Here’s a list of assholish things that Charlie does.

1) He is always underfoot. Wherever I go, Charlie is waiting, right there, to rush right out in front of me. I used to think it was cool, like he’s waiting to join me on some adventure “Hey, let’s go, Daddy!”

Yes, I assume he thinks of me as his daddy.

But he doesn’t run in front of me, he runs right in my path!

When I step out of office, he springs forth, right under my feet, nearly tripping me.

When I come home holding 12 bags of groceries, there he is again, right under my feet, forcing me to pivot lest I step on him and squish him.

WHAT THE HELL?

I’m not sure if he’s suicidal or trying to kill me. Either way, he’s an asshole.

2) He poops a lot.  I’m not sure what the deal is, but this cat manages to poop way more than he seems to eat.

catfoodversuspoop

I wouldn’t mind so much if I wasn’t ALWAYS the one who had to clean it.

You see, when my wife got pregnant with our son, she informed me that she couldn’t clean the litter box because of germs in the cat’s poop which could kill the unborn baby.

Okay, fine.

But that was seven years ago, and I’m still cleaning it!

I guess you can never take enough precautions.

3) He tends to wait until we’re eating to poop. And to make matters worse, after EACH AND EVERY POOP, he runs around the house at a million miles an hour like he’s in some kind of race or just drank 15 Red Bulls.

What the hell is up with that?!

Does pooping feel THAT GOOD that he has to run laps?

4) He likes to wake people up. Sometimes in the middle of the night, he’ll just walk around the house meowing or knocking shit over, just to wake people up. This is especially annoying when he does it near my son’s room. Thankfully, he doesn’t do this a lot. Probably because he knows I’ll put him in the garage at night if he continued.

5) He gets hair E V E R Y W H E R E! Even though he’s a shorthaired cat, he somehow manages to shed some 20 cubic tons of orange hair on the couch every week.

Even though he’s not supposed to BE ON THE FUCKING COUCH!! 

ASSHOLE

ASSHOLE

6) He always sleeps on the couch! This bastard always climbs onto the couch. You push him off, he jumps right back up until he wears you down.

We even took to putting sheets over the couch, just to keep him from getting hair (or sometimes puking up hairballs) on the couch.

And you know what this asshole does?

He goes UNDER THE SHEETS!

What an asshole!

7) He likes to vomit strategically. Charlie seems so concerned that some predator is going to steal his food that when you put food into his bowl, he chows it ALL DOWN and winds up puking like some kind of super model.

And while we have a huge expanse of the kitchen and laundry room with vinyl flooring, where do you think he pukes?

If you guessed carpet, you win!

And you get bonus points if you guessed on the carpet in high traffic areas like right in front of doorways!

And he doesn’t just puke once!

Oh no, Charlie likes to puke, walk, puke again, then walk some more, then puke again, leaving 10 little piles all over the house (only on the carpeted area, of course).

And God forbid there’s a shoe or something important on the floor (which happens a lot when you have a 6-year old). Charlie will puke near or on said item of importance.

Asshole.

8) He’s a creeper. Seriously, the cat will just plop down on a spot directly opposite you and just STARE AT YOU. For hours.

9) Poopy Paws. Now, this isn’t just something which applies to MY CAT, but to all cats in general.

After I had a child, a child who crawled on the floor and liked to put stuff in his mouth, I suddenly realized a VERY OBVIOUS FACT. Cats have poopy paws (my wife’s term, not mine).

Which means that because he does his business in a litter box, where he STANDS on the very place he is doing said business, it means that his paws are LOADED with fecal and urine particles!

And given that he walks all over EVERY FUCKING INCH of our house, and hops on the couch, he is tracking feces and cat urine EVERYWHERE!

I imagine that if you brought a black light to our house, it would light up like a Christmas tree.

Bed with poopy paws

I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty disgusting.

Obviously, he can’t do much about that, and that’s our thing to deal with, not his. We can’t expect him to suddenly stop going to the bathroom, though we have politely asked.

What amazes me is how many people I know, people I am friends with!, allow their cats to jump up on their kitchen counters, sit in their bathroom sinks, and sleep in their beds.

DISGUSTING!

10) He likes to eat weird things … and then puke them up. Charlie CANNOT resist the lure of strings, lace, and those plastic garbage bag ties.

And then he gnaws on them like he’s flossing his teeth or something.

If left alone long enough with the item, he will keep on chewing it until he’s eaten it, and then puked it out in little piles all over the house!

My son used to bring home helium balloons from parties and leave them tied to a toy or something, so it wouldn’t float away. He’d leave the room, come back, and then his balloon would be floating, with bits of string all over the floor and the cat walking away smiling like the asshole he is.

If you think that’s bad, Charlie’s got nothing on our prior cat, Sweetie (who passed last year). She managed to sneak into our bedroom (cats are NEVER allowed in the bedrooms), and into our closet, and managed to eat my wife’s wedding veil!

TALK ABOUT ASSHOLES!

Despite all this, I do like him.

He does cute tricks (stands and walks for treats), and he gives a mean massage. He’ll jump on your back and knead your back and shoulders.

You just have to make sure to shower after the poopy paws massage.

So, there you have it, the Top 10 Ways My Cat is an Asshole.

Leave a comment below and share your own asshole pet stories!

Join the conversation! 29 Comments

  1. My cat figured out how to turn on the light and ceiling fans, so I’d come home and think someone was in the house! He’s also turn the light on while I was sleeping, the bastard.

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  2. OMG! That is so our cat! We actually have two, but only one is a real asshole. MOST of the time he’s a sweetheart, but he does the puking thing (even got him a special bowl from Amazon to slow him down…nope!), does the run in front of us thing and the cat hair! O.M.G!!!! Enough to make an entire litter of cats. We also have sheets on the couch, beach towel on the recliner, but still it gets everywhere! He is also orange and white and I swear I’ve found cat hair in places that it should NEVER be! All bedroom doors are kept closed at all times, NO cats allowed so how the hell does the hair get in there? We got him so cute little furry mice that he loves and plays very “cute-fully” with, but MUST drown them in the water bowl several times a day. The dog looks at us, like “what the hell is this shit in my water?” I shrug and take them out, place them on the back of the sink to dry then lo and behold the cat figures out where they are and gets them down. Wet mice all over the place! Ever stepped on one of them barefoot in the middle of the night? NOT fun! But I must admit, he does have pretty gold eyes. About the only good thing going for him!

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  3. My cat figured out how to turn on the light and ceiling fans, so I’d come home and think someone was in the house! He’s also turn the light on while I was sleeping, the bastard.

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  4. I miss my cat. He didn’t run underfoot. Pooped and puked outside. Would wait until dawn before waking people up to let him outside and he had different ways to wake up each member of the household, for my mother that meant jumping on her face, for me it meant jumping on my desk next to the bed–investing in cat door when we get another cat. He was friendly, didn’t mind if you sneezed snot on him (when I was sick), kept me company and slept beside me in bed (would always move to accommodate my tossing and turning). It was like living with another person. A kind, compassionate person that wasn’t an asshole like some of the people I’ve lived with >.<

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  5. Wow your cat really is an asshole. This is why I don’t have cats. I used to have and train dogs to hunt pests, like possums and rabbits. That was in New Zealand where they don’f fight back.

    Here in Australia, everything is out to kill you. I have no pets although my daughter is ALWAYS on for getting a cat, dog, budgie or some other animal.

    My wife nearly caves all the time. Then I explain to her the reason people have pets is to teach their children about death. That by having a pet and then losing it when they are younger it prepares them for the eventual death of everyone they know across their lifetimes, until finally, they die.

    That usually keeps the pets away for another few months.

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  6. We have a brother/sister pair (Thing 1 and Thing 2, respectively) they PLOT. And conspire. And generally Lie In Wait. Thing 2 will act as lookout while Thing 1 climbs onto our kitchen window sill, handily located next to the pantry where where the treats are kept. Thing 1 will then streeeeeeetch to the top shelf of the pantry and liberate said treats. Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle goes the bag in the middle of the night, as these pair of safe crackers try to open the magical zip lock until we stumble out of bed to catch them red-(and apparently poopied-)pawed.

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  7. Hopefully no one will read this comment because I know it will not be popular. I think all cats are “Assholes”. There. I said it. I don’t like them. They creep me out. I am allergic to them. I know they all think they are better than me. Oh, and of course I am a magnet for them. I am the first person they come to. I am the person they sit on, rub on, crawl over, no matter how many times their parents pull them of me. They know things. They know things that pets should not know.

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  8. My cat is an asshole because it was supposed to be a boy cat and two months younger than it actually was. Now it’s a knocked up asshole cat about to make 10 more asshole cats.
    Plus he thinks if you get out of your chair that it’s because you are going to feed him… so its a dash in front of you to the bowl… Because that of course is why you are alive. It isn’t unusual to hear Genghis getting accidentally kicked and bouncing off the hurricane glass on the door. Thud!
    He (or she rather but Genghis Kitty Biscuits doesn’t really sound like a girl asshole cat’s name) likes to do the Milky-milky now massage in the middle of the night. He is always convinced you will be happy rouse to a kitty love massage with just a hint of claw. Actually my BF has been in Afghanistan for 6 months and the cat isn’t far off on that one. (though I doubt its legal to duct tape a magic wand to a cat?)
    Genghis also feels he (she) is perfectly within his rights to go for the dog’s walk in the morning around the neighborhood. (a good 1.5 miles) This would be fine except that Genghis likes to stick to bushes and a little bit of cover. So much so that when he runs out of it, he darts across the street to the side that has the most cover. This may or may not be in front of other cars! So the dog and I have to walk in the middle of the road, stopping traffic looking like assholes so cars don’t crush Genghis. People of course don’t realize this is why we are doing this. I get piles of dog shit in my driveway from pissed off neighbors.
    He (she) is also a very affectionate cat, and likes to rub his face and teeth on your face and teeth. It is a cat thing, I googled it. However, though he is only just months old his breath smells like something ate rotten fish ass in the sun! It isn’t unusual for Genghis to feel particularly affectionate when you are trying to eat, which can often cause a gag or two.
    &^%king Cat!

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  9. Aw.. I love cat blogs. I think you “know” my cat, btw. Dakota opens and closes cabinet doors in the middle of the night looking for food. Apparently, maintaining two heaping bowls of food for him is not enough. Yeesh.

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    • LOL. When I was a teenager, we had a cat who jumped up on the counter, opened the cupboard, and would pull out the box of food that came in pouches at the time, and feed himself. We’d wake up to see three pouches ripped open on the floor.

      Reply
  10. Yep x 10. My cat is the same. She kicks off when I get the hoover out. It’s HER fault I’m hoovering. Covers my lovely clean house in her hair. The cat was a sidekick for my girlfriend… The plus side is I’ve trained her like a dog. (the cat) lol. She rolls over ect. I whistle she comes running. 🙂

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  11. The best way to manage a cat in the house is to get it a dog companion. Most of cat’s energy goes towards managing the dog, not its owners. )

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  12. I have a total douche-canoe of a cat. Just this morning, she got “locked” in the 6 foot, walk-in closet, with a light on, for about 3 minutes. Which meant she FREAKED out and tore up the carpeting in the doorway… our house is LITERALLY 2 weeks old and she is already ruining it. She is the same cat that sent me to the ER one night to have my ear glued back together after she freaked out and ATTACKED MY HEAD when I walked up behind her. If I wasn’t sure she’d be euthanized, I don’t know if we’d keep her. But I love her and don’t want to think of her being scared and alone in a cage… ugh. I’m such a sucker.

    Reply
  13. Hi David W. Wright et al’,

    Nice post (and replies, all). Let’s face it…we all have cats with unique personalities. It seems that we were created to care for other being (either babies, cats, dogs, fish, aging parents…etc…), and the more troublesome they are the more we bond with them. (except teenagers, their in a class of their own).

    My husband and I have two cats; 16 month old Taz: timid, sweet and affectionate but skiddish, who is a fierce spider/fly/(any bug) hunter and 17 month old CarCat: who steadily works to perfect his career as an “asshole-ologist”.

    Where Taz is the “underfoot, puker” who assumes that the reason humans sit on chairs is to warm that spot for him; the reason humans leave a room is to fill his water/food bowl; and the best time to make poopies every morning is as soon as the human has cleaned the other cat’s poopy, flushed the toilet, but before he/she can put the poopy-scooper back in it’s spot. While you may feel that these are “asshole-ish”, my husband and I consider that cat the “sweet”one.

    Prepare to meet CarCat (AKA “Wreak-it-Ralph”)–here are the reasons why we consider the underfoot (trying to kill us); puker; who immediately takes your seat if you so much as lift a butt-cheek to pass gas; extra flush pooper, “THE GOOD ONE”:

    1. Every morning at 0400 hours CarCat insists that You absolutely want to wake up and it is his duty to ensure that this happens, of course he must start with the obvious, tapping my face with his paw (BTW…thanks for the poopy paws theory–did I mention that I have a problem with germs?)…like any adult who wants more sleep, I dutifully cover my head with covers. Which leads to walking over my body…result (ignore him), then comes knocking ANYTHING from the dressers (remote control, eye-glasses, book you fell asleep reading…etc), then lastly because he’s at his wits-end, he will resort to pooping in his litter box (where the smell consistently encourages me to get up RIGHT NOW) 1 for the cat – 0 for the human.

    If you ask: why don’t you close the door?…(that’s child’s play), CarCat will headbud the damn door for hours, not Hours, I mean HOOOUUURS…we’ve had two house guests who thought we had a ghost because they heard the “thump, thump, thump” of knocking on their room doors but no one answered when asked who’s there…my poor mom, spent that whole night afraid to go to the bathroom! …and my sister-in-law, still refuses to believe that I was not playing a prank on her 69-ish self (2 years later).

    2. He is an indoor-outdoor cat (which is nice because I don’t have to clean the litter box everyday)…unfortunately he doesn’t care what the weather is outside. (We’ve tried keeping him indoors on rainy and snowy days–cause he tracks mud into the house)…it’s not worth the “I’m getting tortured” song he sings for HOURS in front of the door, or I’m going to pick on my brother since I can’t go outside or I’m going to attack the humans ankles or your hands when you’re not expecting it 12-18 times today if I can’t go outside…see the pattern here? We found, what works best is to let him outside so he could see it wet and cold outside, then be ready for him to return inside in about 1-2 minutes. 1 for the cat and 1 for the human.

    3. While he’s outside he turns into a serial killer: I find moles, rabbits, mice, snakes…etc…in the yard, that wouldn’t be bad, but guess who ends up cleaning up the carcasses? (okay, take the 1 for the human back from number 2).

    4. If we have house guest…he must introduce himself and inspect them.

    5. We use to have separate litter boxes, but he always pooped in the other cat’s box first (if he didn’t have to go at the time, he would lay in the fresh litter until he had to poop).

    6. We purchased “Feliway” spray to get him to stop going into/onto certain areas (like on the kitchen counter)…we found him licking it off the kitchen counter two hours later! 1 for the cat – 0 for the human.

    7. He likes water; I read on the internet to spray cats with water to chastize them…(great advice)…we found that he likes it…now when we shower, he wants to come in the shower with us, so we have to a) sneak into the bathroom or b) deal with him head-budding the door until you finish. When we take a bath, he sits at the top of the tub, and scoops pawfuls of water out, or refer to options a or b.

    I could probably go on…any recommendations?

    Reply
  14. Hilarious!!!! Great post and you nailed it on every aspect. My cat just finished destroying my laptop LCD screen, by 18 pounds of sitting on it all night. He knocks stuff off the counters, clocks, dishes, beverages, printers, phones and even television sets. One time he threw a 2 Liter bottle of Hawaii punch in my bed when I was sleeping, by pushing it along the night stand and into the bed. I get so pissed at him, I find myself muttering the words.. your such an AH – but I so quick to forgive and just adore him- his bad self. He thinks he is my master and I am here to serve his every need, which I apparently end up doing. hurumphhh

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  15. That is a great description of most cats. Mine likes to jump on me meowing and biting me and digging his claws into me unprovoked. I don’t get it.

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  16. ohmygod i was literally melting down tonight i hate my cat so much right now,( but would die without her) but to feel not so alone in the things that get me pissed off about her, thank you for this post!!! i am laughing so hard my eyes are tearing! i once had a cat who would slap his paw in the water dish then go poo and of course TRACK WET LITTER CRUMBS ALL OVER THE HOUSE.. AND BED.. AND COUCH.. AND…

    Reply
  17. Our ass***e of a cat likes to get under the duvet at night, normally around the 3-4am mark, this in itself is not the issue, what the little bugger does next is.
    He sneaks his way up the bed and bats at your legs, feet, knees etc to try wake you up.
    If that fails he bites and often it’s a hand a testiclle or a boob he is not fussy.
    He also bullies our German shepherd, will launch random runs at her bopping her on the nose or attacking her tail ( no claws involved he just !Ike’s to torment her) .Yes he’s a definite asshat

    Reply

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About David W. Wright

Writer, cartoonist, one of the Kings of the Serial with co-author, Sean Platt. Together we've written the #1 horror and #1 sci-fi bestselling post-apocalyptic series, Yesterday's Gone, the sci-fi horror series, WhiteSpace, and the dark fantasy series, ForNevermore. Check out our stuff at http://collectiveinkwell.com

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