What Song Should I Dance To?

Posted on by

Or, rather, make an ass out of myself to?

Here’s the deal. Once WhiteSpace: Season One gets 100 verified reviews (meaning you bought it and left a review), I’m going to dance to one of these songs.

And seeing that I’m a big fat guy better suited for writing than anything involving actual movement or athleticism, I’ve got ZERO dancing ability. Hell, if my dancing were scored it would be a Bret Easton Ellis book.

Here’s a few random songs from my personal playlist. Which would you like to see me dance to? Leave a comment below 0r email me at collectiveinkwellmedia (at) gmail (dot)com

Lonely Island “On a Boat”

Die Antwoord “I Fink U Freeky”

Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack”

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis “Thirft Shop”

Atari Teenage Riot “Your Uniform Does Not Impress Me”

Leave a comment below and vote.
Or email me at collectiveinkwellmedia (at) gmail (dot)com

When Trailers Go Too Far

Posted on by

I love trailers! Whether they be movie, TV, or video game trailers, I love watching them… except when they go too far.

A good trailer teases you, gets you excited for the upcoming movie, show, or game, and creates a sense of curiosity, anticipation, and gets in your head. In my next post, I’m going to feature some of my favorite trailers.

But in this post, I want to talk about when trailers go too far — specifically, when they tell you waaaaay too much.

Sometimes they ruin critical plot points or twists, as fellow author, Garrett Robinson says of the Ender’s Game movie coming out.

Other times, they make you feel as if you’ve already seen the movie or TV show.

Case in point: NBC’s new fall show, The Blacklist.

On the surface, this looks like a pretty cool show, starring James Spader as a fugitive who turns himself into the Feds. But he has an agenda. I’m not sure if this is based on another TV show or movie, but it feels a bit familiar, like something I saw recently. But hey, James Spader is in it, so I’m interested.

But then, as the trailer played out, it seemed to reveal…

EVERY FREAKIN’ THING THAT HAPPENS IN THE PILOT EPISODE!!

What the hell?

Here, watch for yourself (unless you don’t want to be spoiled).

NBC and I have a rocky history. They’ve aired some of my favorite TV shows of all time. But they’ve cancelled a great number of shows I’ve loved, way before their prime. Now it seems like they want to screw this show before it even airs!

DO PEOPLE LIKE SPOILERS?

A couple of years ago, a news story was making the rounds which said that people want spoilers, and that movies which aired spoilers in their trailers actually did better at the box office! It seems counterintuitive to me, though one of my best friends used to LOVE reading the end of books before she even started them, so, maybe there’s a lot of people like that.

I don’t get it, though. As a storyteller, I hate when the mystery is ruined. Hell, I hate when the mystery ends in a book even by natural causes. I love when an author can string out the mystery, or weave new ones into the narrative (like LOST, and as I hope we did well in Yesterday’s Gone). So I certainly don’t want spoilers which ruin the pilot of a show I would’ve otherwise watched!

What do you think?

Do YOU like spoilers? 

What’s the most egregious trailer you’ve ever seen? Leave a comment below.

Please avoid posting any spoilers in your comments, so as not to ruin something for others.

In Which I Try to do Kindergarten Homework

Posted on by

OK, this is ridiculous.

I thought it wouldn’t be until my son was in high school that he’d have homework that stumped me. Turns out his kindergarten assignment was all it took.

Yes, I was confused by work assigned to a kindergartener.

I’m going to post a copy of it below. I’m curious how YOU interpret the instructions, because I was stumped.

By the way, I’m going to feel VERY stupid if everyone immediately gets this!

My wife, who was out to dinner with friends, finally came home and helped us both.

I’ll update this with the solution tomorrow or Saturday. That is assuming everyone BUT ME doesn’t get it.

Make sure you click on the image to see the page full size and then read the directions at the bottom.

And then leave a comment and tell me how you would answer question 1. Or specifically what you would do.

AND DO NOT REPEAT the directions verbatim. That won’t count! :)

homework

UPDATE:

Since there was some debate in the comments, and I feel a bit relieved that you all at least understood my confusion, here’s how it’s supposed to be done.
homework-done copy

I have been told that the above is CORRECT.

For the record, THIS is how I would have interpreted it:

I would have circled the second set, because that is where the pattern TRULY repeats. And the last part, “Circle the group of tiles to show the part that repeats” seemed an odd choice of words. The “part that repeats?” Well, there’s a few ways to take that. Is a part made up of the three people, which are called a pattern the first time? And if it IS three people, would you not circle it each time it repeats? The directions seem like they were written by the people who write the directions to the toys I have to assemble on Christmas morning.

Time To Get Back To Drawing

Posted on by

I’m not sure how long you’ve been following me, but before I was writing books to scare the crap out of you, I was a cartoonist.

Cartooning actually led me back into writing, which is a kind of a cool story.

I started a comic strip back in 1999 or 2000, back in the early early days of online comics, and built a decent following over the years.

I poured my heart into the comic strip, but in order to do so, I had to neglect the writing I’d been doing prior to that. But comics gave me something I’d never had as a writer — an audience. And more importantly, an audience who actually loved what I was creating!

Creatively, it was one of the most thrilling times of my life.

But drawing comics wasn’t paying the bills.

Only a few comics, the big ones like PVP and Penny Arcade were killing it at the time. Most other strips were labors of love. (Not to say the artists of PVP and Penny Arcade didn’t have a love for their art — you don’t last thing long in the business without loving what you’re doing.) But most artists struggled to maintain day jobs and their drawing gigs.

I was working an accounts receivable/ then credit manager job at the time which was sucking my soul dry, and then I’d come home and spend three hours a night drawing a comic. At the height of the comic’s popularity, I think it had around 2,000 daily readers, but it made me practically no money.

A local newspaper found me via the comic strip I was doing and I wound up getting a job at the paper as an editorial cartoonist. And then I landed a reporting gig there, which lasted three years until the housing bubble burst and the paper folded. But during that time, I learned more about writing than I ever did on my own. Writing thousands of words to a deadline has a sink or swim sort of teaching to it.

But working at the paper, and the long hours involved, left me with precious little time to draw. When I lost my job at the paper, the last thing in the world I could justify was drawing comics. I needed to hustle to find work.

So I told myself once I was working steadily, I’d find my way back to drawing.

In 2011, Sean Platt and I began writing serialized fiction and publishing it on Amazon. It was a gamble, as very few people were doing serials at the time (and nobody I know of was doing it like us), but we were able to find and build an audience of people who love our stuff.

I’m now in another of the most creatively thrilling times of my life. And this time, I’m actually making a living at building worlds!

And lately, I’ve been feeling the itch to get back to illustration.

And here’s the main reason…

E reading

IMG_2358

My son is becoming an avid reader. He loves reading. And I love watching him read — especially when something makes him laugh.

And I sooooo want to make a book he can read.

So I’m going to try and have the best of both worlds — writing my serialized dark fiction, and drawing something my son will read. Given that Sean is also a great children’s writer, you can probably count on us teaming up not just for the scary stuff, but also the stuff you can show your kids.

So as I dip my feet back in the ink, I’ll post stuff here from time to time to share the journey.

 

 

 

Fun With Fast Food: Bagel Edition

Posted on by

So, I’ve been wondering what to do with this blog space for a while, and I’ve made up my mind. Over the past few years, I’ve been trying to segregate all of my different interests across several websites and blogs. At one point or another I’ve had:

  • a humorous daddy blog
  • a comics blog where I drew comic strips
  • a book blog
  • God knows how many “I’m going to lose weight. No, really, I mean it this time” blogs.
  • and that’s not even including all the various humorous blogs I’ve published anonymously, testing new grounds and such

In trying to do too many things in too many places, I’ve found myself not wanting to stick with any of them.

So, here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to post EVERYTHING here. 

You’re going to get a mish-mash of stuff, ranging from stuff I’m interested in, interviews with other creatives (I LOVE interviewing people I’m fascinated by), my occasional rants, my comic strips when I draw them, musings on pop culture (TV, games, movies, music, whatever), and stuff about being a dad. I’ll still post stuff at Collective Inkwell specific to the books, but I will link to it from here.

So, with that in mind, here’s a very important post*

and by important, I mean a meaningless post about something I got in the drive-thru lane.

Enjoy!

FUN WITH FAST FOOD – BAGEL EDITION

bagel with way too much butter

Go ahead – click it to see it in all its buttery glory!

I ordered a toasted everything bagel with butter at a certain donut place yesterday morning.

And this is what they gave me.

Seriously?

How much butter do you think I fucking need?

I’m not sure if this picture really does the amount of butter justice. But it was a lot!

Looking at the caloric information on the company’s website, it shows the Everything bagel as being 340 calories and 3 grams of fat.

I’m guessing that’s without the optional POUND OF BUTTER, though.

Mmm, butter.

Mmm, butter.

Now, I don’t want to go off on a tangent about this particular donut place, because of all the fast food places I frequent, they’re one of the few who actually get shit right nine times out of 10. Unlike McDonald’s, which I could devote an entire blog to and never fully reach the depths of my hatred for the ineptitude on display.

Seriously, how hard is it to remember to put a burger patty in a hamburger? It’s in the NAME OF THE thing you’re making!! 

And the people who work at the donut place are always cool with me and my family, so no rants, no complaints.

I just wanted to post a photo and ask, WTF?

Here’s how much butter came off when I scraped it from the bagel (photo to the left).

Again, not sure if this close-up photo does the amount of butter justice.

Perhaps I should’ve taken the photo of the butter beside a recognizable landmark, such as the Lincoln Memorial or something, though it would be difficult to get a mountain of butter to Washington D.C. this time of year.

See you tomorrow with another post about something.

Thank you for reading,

dave

Writing Against The Clock

Posted on by

Do you find yourself getting distracted a lot while trying to get in your word count for the day?

This is something I’ve struggled with a lot.

Distractions can come in many forms, and they always start out innocently enough.

  • I’m waiting for an email, so I check the inbox so often. But rather than ignore all the email that’s not the one or two I’m waiting for, I go through them all. Then I’ll see one I should really respond to. And suddenly, it’s 20 minutes later, and I’m still answering email which totally kills writing momentum.
  • I’ll go to the Web to research something for our book. It starts off innocent enough, but suddenly I’m 15 Websites away from the one I started on, chasing a different rabbit down an entirely different hole, and whoa, where did the hour go? … Speaking of rabbits, someone just sent me a funny YouTube clip of a rabbit chasing a goat or something, and hey, look at these related funny animal videos… I bet my friend would love this one, I better send an email while I’m thinking of it … and hey, I got that email I’ve been waiting for, and so on and so forth…

Sound familiar?

I never really gave much thought to how much time I actually waste while “working.”

But recently, I’ve been more attentive to where my time is going, and was shocked to see how easily the wasteful patterns form and repeat.

One could argue that I’m not wasting time (YouTube videos aside), if I’m learning stuff in the process of research. It’s not like I’m playing video games all day or watching TV. But, little diversions add up and take away from productive writing time.

And here’s the thing … I don’t miss publication deadlines. There are times we’ve moved stories back, which is a different story, and less to do with writing than just the scope of the project being larger than anticipated. But generally speaking, I hit the deadlines we set to get our books to you.

But often that requires me playing catch-up, pulling marathon writing sessions that keep me up for 24 hours at a time.

And that’s just crazy!

And it burns me out.

So, in efforts to work smarter, not harder, I took some advice Sean gave me a while ago, and which I recently read about in a book on habits. I’m trying to change a few bad habits, but this is the one I figure would be of interest to readers here.

So, here’s the thing that has made a world of difference …

Break my time up into chunks.

Pomodoro-appThere’s a specific technique called the Pomodoro technique. You may have even heard of it, it’s been around forever. But I’ve somehow never given it much thought.

Simply put, you work on something for a set period of time, like 25 minutes, and then take a five minute break. The idea is that you work better with these breaks. After a few work/mini break sessions, you then give yourself a longer break, like 25 minutes.

It’s too early to tell if I’m responding to the work/break/work/break thing like I should, especially since I sometimes skip the breaks.

The breaks aren’t what is motivating me.

No, it’s the clock!

Like I said before, I respect deadlines.

However, when you have deadlines far away, such as days, weeks, or months away, it can be difficult to stay on task all the time. Kind of like a diet is hard to stick to because you figure, “Well, I’ll just eat better tomorrow. I’ll go ahead and indulge in some cookies n’ cream right now.”

Well, it’s just as easy to say, “I’ll just check this email.”

And suddenly, those email minutes add up just like empty calories.

But there’s something about the immediacy of a ticking clock which pushes me to write through and ignore the urge to break from my tasks. It’s an immediate deadline, but not a scary one. It’s a manageable one. Write for 25 minutes.

Shit, I can do that!

Everyone should be able to commit to writing for at least 25 minutes, right?

It’s not nearly as intimidating as saying, “OK, I screwed around all week, and now I have to work 20 hours straight so our book gets to the editor on time.”

Far better to endure shorter bursts of more intense work, right?

I downloaded the Pomodoro app for the Mac in the Apple app store for $1.99, though there’s plenty of other similar apps out there (for most of the major computers and tablets) which will do the job. And you don’t need to spend a lot, though there are some fancier ones with a shitload of options.

But this cheap, no bells and whistles one is all I need at the moment.

The simpler I keep it, the easier it is to stick to the plan!

It’s a simple icon that sits in your top menu bar with a countdown clock next to it. Small, and not at all intrusive. You set the timer for how long you want to write, how long you want your break to be, and then press “start Pomodoro” and it begins ticking down. When the time is up, a pop-up box will show up on your screen telling you it’s break time. You can also program it to make a sound and also speak a message to you.

I love this app!

Funny thing is, once I get into a zone, I’m often ignoring the timer telling me to take a break, and just keep plowing through. It might be against the spirit of the technique of taking regular breaks so I don’t burn out, but it’s working for me, and that’s what counts.

I’ll be using this technique more this month as I begin the rough drafts for ForNevermore: Season Two. I’ll update you with how the technique is working later in the month.

How about you? What things keep you from being more prolific? Or, if you’ve found techniques that work for you, feel free to share them below.

Thank you for reading,

dave

Finger Lickers!

Posted on by

I suppose I should mention right up front that I’ve got OCD and am quite germ-phobic.

So, maybe I’m a bit hypersensitive to such things, but I can’t help but notice a trend at the grocery store I go to.

It seems that the cashiers enjoy spreading germs all over everything I buy.

OK, maybe they don’t enjoy it, hell, they probably hardly even notice what they’re doing.

But I can’t help but notice that some of the cashiers have this DISGUSTING FUCKING HABIT of licking their fingers before pulling a plastic bag open.

Yes, they LICK THEIR FINGERS.

And as their disgusting, germ-laden tongues coat their digits, and then move down to grab every item I purchased, including food I bought for my family, I’m picturing CSI-type zoom-ins of bacteria racing all over my stuff.

GERMS!!

photo courtesy of Flickr/Creative Commons. Click link to visit photographer’s page.

Bacteria that causes everything from the common cold to the next big plague!

What the hell?

And here’s the worst part, I never know what to do when a cashier does this.

I mean, the damage is done. They’ve already started ringing up my stuff. It’s not like I can call a manager over and say, “Hey, someone else ring my shit up!”

Can I?

So I started profiling cashiers, trying to figure out which among them were finger lickers.

As it turned out, it’s almost always women who do this. And it’s almost always older women. I don’t know why, or if it’s just a law of averages since most of the cashiers at the store are older women.

So, I started actively seeking out lines with either male cashiers or young female cashiers. Even if that line has 20 people in it, and the other line has two.

A few times, the front-end manager on duty has tried to get me to go to another line, and I said, “No thanks, I’m good here. I like waiting.”

One night I sidled up to the front end manager on duty, a cashier I like and talk to all the time when my son is with me, and who, I might add, never licks her fingers.

So I told her about the whole finger licking thing. It was stressing me out!

As I was speaking, I felt certain that she was going to think I was some nut job who has way too much free time. But instead, her eyes widened, and she said, “Oh my God, Corporate actually passed around a memo about that very thing. The cashiers know better.”

Then she explained that the reason the cashiers were licking their fingers was  because the bags were difficult for some people to open without wetting their hands. They USED TO have sponges at each register, but someone (probably corporate) decided to take the sponges away.

She also agreed that all the guilty finger lickers she’d noticed were the older female cashiers.

So I asked, “What do I do? I really don’t want to get anyone fired by complaining.”

She said I ought to complain, anyway.

So I said, OK, I will. Next time.

AND THEN NEXT TIME HAPPENED…

I’ve always liked older people. I often feel like I was born a generation too late, and enjoy talking with people who have totally different life experiences than I have. I know some old folks get a reputation for being cranky, but that’s not been my experience. In fact, most have been pretty nice to me, and are especially kind to my son (who is like a grandma/grandpa magnet!)

So I especially don’t want to get an older person in trouble by complaining to management.

I wound up in this cashier’s line, an older woman with a kindly smile who was probably somebody’s kindly grandmother, “How are you, today?” she asked with a smile so genuine and sweet, you’d think I was her son.

And then she stuck her fingers into her mouth, and the licking began.

FUCK! What do I do now?

I’m not going to complain and get some nice older lady fired! But what else can I do? I start rationalizing. She seems nice, she probably doesn’t have too many germs.

But I can’t help seeing the whole CSI close-up montage running through my mind.

I looked around for an answer, but no answer was to be found. All the other lines were full, and the front-end manager on duty was nowhere to be found, even if I wanted to complain. Then I watched as her germ-filled hand reached for my food.

She placed item after item into the bag as I pictured myself having to take everything out of the bags when I got home and wiping them down. Then, bag full, she went to lick her hands before getting another bag.

And then I did it…

I said, “Please don’t lick your fingers.”

She looked at me as if I’d just said, “I have a gun and give me all your money.”

The kind smile was replaced with a dour glare.

I then felt compelled to explain, “My son is sick (which was true) and I’m germ-phobic, and I don’t want germs all over our stuff.”

I may as well have just said, “No, really, it’s my fault, not yours. I’m an annoying Obsessive-Compulsive asshole.”

She proceeded to check my stuff out, without licking her fingers again (though the damage was done — God knows how many germs she had on her fingers from a full day of licking, licking and touching other people’s disgusting money, no less — it’s like a stew of sickness!)

And then I paid and left, feeling like the world’s biggest jerk.

I wanted to complain, but I didn’t want to get her in trouble.

I’d call corporate, but hell, they already know about the issue and apparently don’t care enough to enforce it… or fucking provide sponges!

And yes, I could go to another store, but this is the closest store to me, they have the stuff we want, and the prices are right. I also like many of the people at the store who I have come to know via years of small talk.

I shouldn’t have to go somewhere else.

And I shouldn’t have to be made to feel like an asshole just because I don’t want someone licking everything I buy. The whole thing just makes me feel anxious each time I get into a line.

A week or so later, the only line open was the woman I had chided. I watched as she waited on the people ahead of me, licking like crazy.

Ugh.

Do I really have to do this again?

And then another cashier went on duty — a young guy, no less!

Awesome!

I hopped into his line like my cart was on fire.

I put my stuff on the conveyor belt and watched in horror as his fingers went to his mouth.

The fucker was a finger licker!

* * * *

QUESTION: Am I nuts? Do finger lickers bother you? Leave a comment below. Or tell me things that annoy you when out shopping and make me feel a bit less like an asshole.

My New Blog: Watch me lose 100 pounds!

Posted on by

For the handful of people who actually still read this blog (since I so rarely post here), you might be interested in checking out my new blog, The History of Every Day.

What? A new blog you won’t update?

No, I’m actually going to update this one. I swear!

I would have posted here, but this new blog is about my attempt to lose 100 pounds this year, and I didn’t want to fill THIS blog with a bunch of diet stuff for people who don’t care to read about it.

So, if you’d like to read about my attempts to lose 100 pounds this year (not the first time I’ve tried this, mind you), feel free to stop by and say hi.

I’ll be updating here, too, soon.

 

Fake Apple Ad And The Most Awesome Video Game Trailer – Dishonored

Posted on by

You know how those Apple ads make everything sound so fancy?

Cult of Mac linked to a funny video, embedded below.

And here’s two cool trailer for the upcoming Bethesda game, Dishonored. This trailer looks like a movie I’d watch — again and again, and might be one of the coolest looking game worlds since the first Bioshock game. You should really click the HD full screen option on this video to see it in all its glory!

Here’s the second trailer with a haunting take on “Drunken Sailor.”

Bethesda is having a remix contest for the song, where you can download the original, plus a zip file full of the raw music if you’re into creating your own mix.

Dave as Calvin

Back. Again. No, I Mean It.

Posted on by

So, two weeks or so ago, I said, “Hey, I’m coming back tomorrow.”

And then I proceeded to get busy and poof, two weeks flew by like nothing.

So, yeah…

I’m back.

Again.

Like I started to say two weeks ago, I’ve been debating what to do with this blog. The biggest problem is that I’ve been considering this blog the way I used to consider my old blog — as a place I needed to write these long, funny, or important essays.

But if I wait until I have time to write an epic post, well, it’s gonna be a long time between posts.

See, I’ve been kind of busy on my mission with Sean Platt to become Kings of The Serial. And we’ve been writing a book a week in 2012 towards those efforts. (Which we’ve been doing pretty well at, too, thank you, readers!)

But writing books at the pace we are leaves little time to actually write out long blog posts.

Yet, I’ve got all these little things I want to post from time to time, whether it be a quick post about a TV show that will surely get cancelled, a rant, a blurb on our books, a comic I drew, or something I think you might enjoy. In other words, I’m gonna be doing a mini-blog here, whatever hits me, whenever it hits me.

So that means no regular schedule, no regular topic, and hopefully that means no more long lapses of nothingness.

But I’m gonna aim to post frequently. Sometimes, I might even post twice a day (though I wouldn’t get used to that).

The best way to stay up-to-date with this blog is to subscribe in the box to the right.

I’ll be back soon-ish.

For now, I leave you with a drawing I did of me as Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, which you can see in the new logo at my site.